open terrain.

i've tried blogging before. never whole heartedly, never successfully. in my mind, usually my thoughts are too scattered and disorganized to even fit into an already saturated world of scattered and disorganized blogs. my thoughts always seemed too small or too huge to begin to openly share with every joe schmo with a computer and broadband access. but, meh, i'll give it a try.

i'm 2 months into my travels in south america. 2 months living in my recoleta apartment with two lovely foreigners and working at conviven, teaching english, sneaking into the villa, confessing my indiscretions and the occasional late-night, early-morning kiss with the sunrise. i feel worlds away from how i felt three, four, five months ago - generally beaten down by a rhythm of life that i didn't want to keep up with. i had been working at an advertising agency and was unhappy. i had broken up with my boyfriend and i was unhappy. i wasn't sure where i was going or who i was going with and i felt terrified. this unhappiness originally prompted me to think about a scene change. in a sense, i wanted to just run away from everything that couldn't be fixed anymore, erase shadows of memories of what i considered failures from my mind and start again, keeping what i wanted and ignoring what was too hard for me to face. i had so much built up sadness but was only letting it exist as anger. in many ways, this is the curse of my family. anger and aloofness masks as strength but below it, a deep river of dissatisfaction fuels these cycles.

the few months leading up to this trip gave me an opportunity to really analyze the reasons why i wanted to leave and what in fact was fueling my need for adventure and my emotional state before heading out. i started out scared, i grew into being scared, and i think i've settled on scared. ha! each stage, however, was fueled by really distinct needs. at first, i wanted to run away. but as i gave myself more time to heal, more time reassessing, i realized that i pretty naturally have a spirit that wants to constantly learn and be humbled by the places i go and people i meet. but after 6 years in new york, with the exception of a few trips in between, the big apple wasn't doing it for me. i was forgetting about the things that i really care about, or maybe it was during this time when i felt like i was losing myself did i really come to understand what was and is important to me. it's a funny and incredibly privileged problem to have: when faced with so many possibilities, which ones do we choose for ourselves and which ones do we ignore or promise we'll get back to later? what opportunities are we losing when we adopt the bookmarking method of goals? i guess i figured now was as good a time as ever to pack up, reevaluate the decisions i had made so far and begin to set tangible goals for myself. i need to acknowledge that this trip is for me and by me but to continue to be incredibly thankful for everyone who has contributed to getting me to this place, emotionally, spiritually, logistically. and also the people who continue to help me to stay here and make connections to these places.

so thank you.