i'm not really sure what to think right now. i'm listening to an album by a supercool guy i met on monday at a built to spill show. i sort of want to share this music with everyone i know. it's dark and eery and beautiful and is forcing me to access parts of me that i try to avoid. it makes me feel lonely and wanting to create something that can make people feel in the same way completely raw way. i miss loving. and the infinite complexities of love. learning and pushing and laughing and tumbling. i want to be in love again. this week i also hung out with a friend in paris who i could sort of picture something with. but he's in a relationship - a long term one. but we're also very attracted to each other. i feel the responsibility to warn him about the depths of my own darkness and also a more basic responsibility to not ruin someone else's life. this whole episodes reminds me of how selfish i've been in the past to people i care about and who care about me. always, i drop the ball. and runaway and think of it as me saving someone from something more painful and overly complex. but it's basically just plain wrong to continue to think in these terms. i want to hide and hibernate until i can wake up and feel like i can do things right.